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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103252">again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrosas/pseuds/retrosas'>retrosas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alzheimer's Disease, Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Canon, read disclaimer in notes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 04:48:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,771</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrosas/pseuds/retrosas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Again, Keiji dreams of a time gone by.</p><p>Not that he remembers.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>my heart hurt so bad writing this because it's something very close to my heart. i feel like i haven't written enough yet to get the ache out of my chest but also i dont think this is the kind of ache i can get rid off in one go; ive been trying for years and i guess like grief, you just live with it</p><p>disclaimer: this is written based on my own experiences with my relatives, my friends' relatives, and what some online articles detail the experience of memory loss is like. i know it varies per person so please keep that in mind </p><p>possible ooc but keep in mind they're old men here; not proofread too so might edit later on</p><p>enjoy + thanks for dropping by</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bare feet touch the warm field grounds, and Keiji takes a moment to try and think back—why is he barefoot? Where is this?</p><p>The area looks familiar, but he couldn't place why. The grass beneath his feet are uneven and the soil moist enough for his feet to make a mark into the soil but not too muddy it was hard for him to take another step. He can feel some of the soil and grass clump up under his toenails as he walks around, trying to find out where he is exactly.</p><p>Besides the grass and patches of soil, there's nothing else to be seen for miles and miles. No flowers, no animals, no roads. The sky is clear and there are rays of sunlight shining down on Keiji's area, but no actual sun or anything like it in sight.</p><p>As he kept walking, he sees a tree in the distance. Regardless of how far he was, he could see its big branches and colorful leaves, its roots visible off the ground showing its age. At the foot of the tree, sitting by one of the large roots, was a man with salt and pepper hair and, from what he can see, golden eyes.</p><p>Something tugged at his heart at the sight and without much thought, he ran towards the tree.</p><p>It seemed to be a lot farther than he thought as Keiji kept running, and when he was finally near enough, he saw the stranger turn to him. The stranger's eyes widened, and he sat up and faced Keiji's direction. Then, he opened his arms and grinned. "Keiji!"</p><p>Keiji felt himself let out a small smile and his feet run faster, press harder against the ground as he rushed. There was no name he could attach to he voice and face he saw, but the sense of familiarity doubled, filling him with a sense of urgency he couldn't explain. He felt his mouth form a "kou" but he heard no sound come out as he ran into the gold-eyed man's arms.</p><p>Before Keiji can question why he was even doing this, he felt big strong arms wrap around him and lift him up in the air. "Keiji! You're here again!"</p><p><em>'Again?'</em> Has he been here before?</p><p>"Come on, come on," The stranger said setting him down and placing his hands on Keiji's waist. "Our song's gonna start soon. You came kinda late today so we don't have time to catch up, just dance!"</p><p><em>'Dance?'</em> Keiji doesn't dance—</p><p>"You always say you don't think you can dance, but you always dance anyway," The stranger huffed, pouting. "You're always the one leading me even though I'm taking the guy role!"</p><p>Keiji didn't even realize he said that all aloud, and as he felt his mouth move to form more words that he couldn't hear. He can feel exasperation through the way his mouth moved, but—but why can't he hear what he's saying?</p><p>The stranger laughs and pulls him closer, and a foreign instinct makes Keiji put his hands on the taller's shoulders. The stranger grins. "Well, you were always the elegant one between us, so it's fine. Lead me well again, okay?"</p><p>A soft, old tune begins to play from an unknown source, and Keiji feels his muscles throb with anticipation. He knows this tune, he feels it, and faintly, he smells sweat and flowers that aren't there, and he hears laughter from inside his ears. His feet are bare, and so are the stranger's, yet he hears the soft clack-clack of...of wooden heels in leather shoes on...on wooden floors? Floors?</p><p>This tune—Where has he heard this before? That scene, those sounds—</p><p>He's taken out of his thoughts once his legs start moving, and his arms are firm on the stranger's shoulders as they gently stepped from side to side. He feels a praise escape his lips, but again, he hears none of it.</p><p>His praise seemed to make the other brighten, though, as he preens, "I'm getting better at starting in time with the beat. I've been practicing whenever I wait for you!"</p><p>
  <em>'Wait for him? So is this a thing we do often?'</em>
</p><p>Keiji wants to ask, and so he moves his mouth, but instead something else comes out, and while still hears nothing, he can feel the movement of his mouth and tongue much clearer now to make sense of what he's mouthing: "How long were you waiting?" Wait that wasn't what he wanted to ask!</p><p>The stranger seemed to know that though and he laughed. "That's not what you wanted to ask, Keiji, I know," he snickered. "You want to ask who am I, huh?"</p><p>Keiji doesn't respond, not trusting his mouth any longer. The stranger continues—</p><p>"You ask me that every time. Sucks, but I've kinda gotten used to waiting for it," he hums, swaying Keiji a bit more before fully taking the lead in their dance. He takes a larger step to the right, gently pulling Keiji along with him as he continued speaking, "Recently though you haven't been asking it, and I thought things were getting better, so I'd start rambling again like before, but then you'd get this look on your face you got just a while ago and I'd realize, ah, he doesn't remember again."</p><p>
  <em>'Again?'</em>
</p><p>The stranger steps to his right, again to the right, and does a twirl with Keiji in his arms; Keiji lets out a breathless gasp before the stranger is then stepping to the left. "Bet you're thinking," the stranger makes a face, trying to imitate Keiji's confused face, "'Again? What does he mean by that?' And—ah, hey, hey, hey! I bet I'm right, 'cause you have your shookt face again!" The stranger snorts, then gives a full belly laugh. "I haven't seen the shookt-Keiji face in a while! And especially not with all those wrinkles!"</p><p>Keiji flushes and moves his face to the side, thankful that at least his neck up was cooperating with him right now. How can this guy read him so well, when he doesn't even know him?</p><p>"Now you're thinking how can I read you, right? When you don't even know me?" The stranger asked, having finished with his laugh. His eyes are still full of mirth though, but there's <em>something</em> darker in them, something Keiji feels is <em>not</em> a good thing, and something he feels he <em>should</em> do <em>something</em> about—but <em>what</em>?</p><p>"You can't do anything, Keiji," The stranger said, having read Keiji's thoughts or expression once again. The mirth in his eyes are gone now, and there is only melancholy left. His smile is bittersweet, and he brings Keiji closer as the music in the background seems to fade away. Still, they move to a tune that Keiji can faintly hear, faintly feel, and so did the stranger. "This is fine as it is. I can't ask for more anymore, and even if I did, you can't help anymore," he chuckled sadly. "We're old now, Keiji, I have to help myself, and it's time for me to help you back but—" his voice broke, and his smile turned wobbly, "—but I don't know how to help you, when you can't help yourself anymore too."</p><p>Keiji's eyes widened. He tried to open his mouth: 'Who are you? Why do I want to help you? Why do you want to help me? Help with what?'</p><p>He tried, but nothing came out. Instead, he felt a smile come up and he felt his mouth form to mouth a "kou" again. The stranger laughed dryly. "You don't even know what you're trying to say anymore, Keiji. Your body knows but," he sniffs, keeping the smile in place, and Keiji <em>hurts</em>, "Your body knows but <em>you</em> don't."</p><p>Something in him is calling out to stop this dance, to stop and comfort the man with golden eyes, because he knew deep inside this man shouldn't look like this. This man was meant to be happy, golden, bright like...like—</p><p>Like a star.</p><p>
  <em>Why a star?</em>
</p><p>He questioned himself, but it made <em>sense</em>; he felt something click inside him, like one of many holes he didn't realize were even holes was suddenly filled with a piece, and he felt something in his eyes clear in that moment. This man was supposed to be a like a star, shining like when he laughed and tried to lead the dance earlier. This person was meant...meant to be on a grand stage, meant to shine and right now he is dull and that—that doesn't sit well with him.</p><p>But why? <em>Why</em> doesn't it sit well with him?</p><p>He thinks back as hard as he can; when has he seen this man before, and what happened to them? He thinks and thinks, feeling his eyebrows scrunch as he ransacked his mind for memories but—but he was coming up blank. Why was he coming up blank?</p><p>"Y'know, it was kinda funny at first," the stranger spoke, Keiji's eyes shoot up at him to look again at the wrongly melancholic gold just slightly above him, "Akaashi Keiji, overthinker extraordinaire who had one of the best memories on the team, like, even had a brain fast enough to process options in less than a second...that Akaashi Keiji, who knew all my weaknesses...just, forgetting like that. It was kinda funny because huh, Keiji forgot. Hehe. That kinda thing," he chuckled, genuinely amused as he reminisced about a time Keiji just <em>can't</em> seem to pull out of his brain. <em>When</em> was this? <em>Who</em> was this?</p><p>"Then it got sad. You were forgetting more and more. Forgetting the potatoes for a potato salad was funny, but it's not so funny anymore when..." The stranger inhaled shakily, held his breath, then exhaled with a quivery. "It's not so funny anymore when you forget people, like the people in our picture frames, or who we're meeting for dinner tomorrow, or, or—" The stranger's voice broke, and his smile fell, and water pooled at the bottom of his eyes, and Keiji felt his feet stop moving.</p><p>The stranger moved his hands on Keiji's waist to bring Keiji closer, closer, and closer until Keiji had his head pressed to the taller's shoulder's. His eyes widened as he felt something heavy lay on his own shoulder, and the shirt there grow wet.</p><p>Something in Keiji told him to hug back, and so he did, but then the stranger hugged him tighter, leaving no room for him to raise his arms.</p><p>"I don't want a hug back anymore, Keiji," the stranger mumbled, voice muffled by Keiji's shirt and his sniffles against the material, "I want you to remember, but you're not, you're not remembering and you don't even know <em>what</em> to <em>remember</em>, but your body does, and maybe your heart does too because—because you <em>try</em> to hug back, you get <em>sad</em> when I <em>know</em> I <em>look</em> sad, and—and," he babbles on, rambles really, and Keiji can feel his own eyes tearing up and he still doesn't know why, "And it should make me feel great because you kinda remember but you—you don't remember the way I <em>want</em> you to, need <em>you</em> to, and I know I should accept it because I-I'm not even <em>here</em> anymore but I—I <em>can't</em>."</p><p>The stranger is full on sobbing now, and Keiji knows he's crying too. His hand struggle to move, his body and his heart yelling at his empty yet muddled mind to hug, move, <em>help</em> him, he <em>needs</em> help, <em>love</em> him—</p><p>—who...?</p><p>The music stopped. The stranger holding him close begins to lighten, slowly turning transparent in front of Keiji. Instinctively, he knew what was happening.</p><p>Finally, his mouth opens and he says something he wants to say: "Wait! No, don't go!"</p><p>The stranger laughs, and even in his slowly disappearing state, hugs Keiji tiighter. "This—This is the first time you said that one."</p><p>"Who-What—"</p><p>"Keiji."</p><p>The stranger pulls away and gives Keiji a genuine smile. There are tears, snot, and a bit of drool on his face.</p><p>"Enjoy your apples later, Keiji. You love apples. And—" He chokes. "And me...you loved me too."</p><p>He's fading, changing, he's <em>leaving</em> in front of Keiji and Keiji doesn't know why but—but he can't leave, no, he can't because if he leaves it'll be like last time and...and he can't have that again—</p><p>Last time?</p><p><em>What</em> was last time? <em>When</em> was last time?</p><p>His mouth moves again, and this time, he hears himself loud and clear. "Koutarou!" He yells, and he knows he hasn't done that in a long time, if at all, because his throat hurts right after but he continues almost desperately, "Who are you, Koutarou?!"</p><p>But the man—Koutarou, his name is <em>Koutarou</em>, who is he, why does this <em>hurt</em>, Koutarou—doesn't seem to hear him anymore; he doesn't seem to be reacting anymore at all. He's frozen in his teary grin, and Keiji reaches up for his face and—</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Keiji wakes up to the feeling of tiredness in his bones and his bare feet exposed to the cold.</p><p>(Did he not sleep enough? Why is he so tired? Did he sleep, actually?</p><p>Maybe he had a nightmare?</p><p>Did he?)</p><p>His face is wet with tears and his back is all sweaty (<em>again</em>, he realizes, but when was the last time...) . He looks at his feet, then to the window beside him. On the window sill, there is a potted bonsai tree, and the sun's rays shine on it. Out the window, he can see buildings that stretch on for miles, and some birds migrating for winter. His reflection shone at him, and he can see his wrinkles, his wide eyes, and graying hair framing his face.</p><p>"Akaashi-san, did you have a nightmare again?"</p><p>He looks to the side and meets the face of a young boy gently smiling at him, cutting fruit. Keiji blinks. "W-Who..."</p><p>"It's Sato, Akaashi-san, your nurse," Sato sounded exasperatedly fond and tired, but kept his gentle smile all the same. "Do you remember what you dreamed about this time? You cried twice as hard this time than usual that your monitor woke us up."</p><p>Sato continued cutting fruits, moving on from his first apple to the second as Keiji watched. He tried to think about what happened—why was he so sweaty, this didn't feel right, it was so uncomfortable, but...he felt like he missed something important. Something really, really important that he should remember.</p><p>He looks down and eyes his feet again. They weren't so cold a while ago, he thinks. What happened? When were they not cold?</p><p>Keiji trailed his eyes back up slowly and he blinked at the golden band on his left ring finger. Huh. How did he miss it earlier? It's pretty heavy...</p><p>With great effort, he raised his hand and eyed the ring. The light from the light bulb and the light from the sun outside reflected off the ring. Squinting, he can see something on the face of the band, but he couldn't read what exactly; he could only see the groves engraved and the slight dirt accumulating inside.</p><p>The longer he stared, the more his chest grew heavy. Something unsettling has made itself known in his gut, but what is it? Why is it there? Why—</p><p>Why does he feel so lost? Why does he feel like he's lost something?</p><p><em>What</em> did he lose?</p><p>Did he <em>really</em> lose something?</p><p>He must have stared at it for quite some time and Sato must have noticed and he coughed. Keiji turned to look at him and he saw the fondness gone, replaced with pity and sadness for...for what? What happened? Wait, he was looking at something, right—</p><p>Before Keiji could ask, Sato pushed him the plate of cut up bunny apples. "Time for a snack, Akaashi-san."</p><p>Keiji nodded, and with a shaky, wrinkly hand, picked up a slice. Something hurts in his chest at the sight, but he felt his stomach rumble and took a breath. He takes a bite, and as the taste of apple hits his tongue, he gasps and he chokes.</p><p>Sato panics and reaches for a glass of lemonade, and before he can stop himself, he starts tearing up. He feels holes in him gape <em>open</em> at the sight and realization and he takes a shuddering breath.</p><p>The sun shines on the glass of lemonade just right for it to look close to a certain shade of gold.</p><p>(Again, Keiji dreams of a time gone by.)</p><p>(Not that he remembers.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>twt + tumblr : sagikaashi</p></blockquote></div></div>
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